this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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