I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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