I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
porn star boner night. come get it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
