And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
