What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
