My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
