you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
