When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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