guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
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