There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
