Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
