As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize