I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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