Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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