Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
