Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
