Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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