I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
