I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
