Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
