Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
