you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
