Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
