Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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