I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
