"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
