Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
