there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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