girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
