Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
