I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
