So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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