i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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