I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
