but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
