Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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