apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
