You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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