I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
