I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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