tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
