i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
