Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
we're so committed to being not committed
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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