Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
