Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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