can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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