On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
