I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
