How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
pray to the hookup gods
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
