yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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