Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
