bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
