Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
