I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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