I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
