the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
