I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
