I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
