Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
one might say we're banned from that church
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
