I met the friendliest cop last night
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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