i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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