I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
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Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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